Gearing Up

Logging in from a Best Western in Bandon, Oregon tonight. I'm on a business trip, my first since December. It's kind of tough timing for a trip, but it couldn't really be helped. I was first planning to send an officemate, then to attend by phone, but it happened to work out that Auntie Teri and Keri's friend Kristin arrived Saturday, so they're well-covered at home. Since this is a kickoff meeting for a project that I'm managing, I'm happy to be able to to be there in person. Still, it was very difficult to leave today, more difficult than I expected. This is the first night I've been away from her since her relapse. She was helping me pack today, and when I arrived at the hotel, I discovered a fluffy yellow duck in my bag.

Mina Brigitta's 2nd birthday is on Tuesday. Anta and Kristin will be here, and Amber is arriving home from her Australia/New Zealand trip Monday so she'll be there as well assuming she's healthy. There won't be a lot of people there, but I suspect the atmosphere will be more than festive enough to make up for the lack of numbers. Kristin flew down from Alaska last year and helped make Mina Brigitta's first birthday really special, so it's perfect that she was able to return for a command performance.

Less than a week now until we go back into the hospital to begin the transplant process. Maybe I'm just tired, and maybe it's because of the trip and her birthday coming up, but everything has seemed kind of surreal the last couple of days. Every moment is weighted with a poignancy that can be almost overwhelming. The feeling is probably exacerbated by the fact that Mina Brigitta is so totally oblivious. She has no idea what she's about to go through, nor what she's already endured. She's just living life day by day, doing all the things that toddlers do. You can almost lose yourself in that moment with her, engaging in a game of "baby poopoo" (changing the doll's diapers) or reading a book in her favorite chair, until something reminds you that this is all temporary, and that next week at this time they'll start tearing down her immune system. Mina Brigitta and I were alone in the house today, and I put on some meaningful but kind of melancholy music and found myself becoming a bit emotional as I watched her playing contentedly by herself on our living room floor. Mina Brigitta sensed that right away and wanted "up with dadda". She clung onto me and showed me that it was OK, but she needed me to be strong for her.

Then tonight as I was driving from Coos Bay to Bandon, there was a lovely Irish music show on NPR. The theme was spring, and there were several songs featuring St. Bridget, who the DJ explained is associated with the season in Ireland and with rebirth and renewal. Bridget is the Irish version of Brigitta, so I found that to be a pleasant and hopeful metaphor to take with me into next week.